On Being a New Father


So it turns out that having an infant in the house doesn’t leave a lot of time for bourbon consumption or the blogging thereof. Instead, for your entertainment and edification, I present a compilation of things I’ve learned in my 4 months as the father of an infant.

  • Following a feeding, until your infant burps, it is like a puke hand grenade with the pin pulled out. I don’t care if it’s been smiling at you since it ate three hours ago, if it hasn’t burped yet, there’s a 98% chance it’s going to puke on you.
  • It doesn’t matter what you do, you’re going to get puked on.
  • And peed on.
  • And puked on again.
  • No matter how bad you think it is, the Pretty Little Wife is getting it at least twice as bad.
  • Infants need to be changed four or five times per day. I’m talking clothes here, not diapers. Diaper changes are much more frequent.
  • During diaper changes, never orient your infant so as to place its head between its butt and the diaper pail. This is just asking for trouble.
  • Another note on diaper changes – he who controls the feet controls the mess. I don’t care what happens, you hold on to those feet like your life depends on it.
  • Bottles fix everything. Except when they don’t.
  • After a few months, your infant will develop an interest in solid food. And by solid food I really mean anything solid it can get its hands on: your shirt, its hand, the dog, your hand… It all goes in the mouth.
  • You are the most entertaining thing in your infant’s world. All those fancy swings and bouncers? They’re not nearly as fun as grabbing your fingers and giggling at your silly faces.
  • There is no greater joy than watching your infant go from a screaming hell beast to a happy cooing angel just because you came into the room and smiled at it.
  • There is no greater frustration than experiencing that great joy at 3:40 AM and knowing that you will have to stand there and smile until it goes back to sleep or neither you nor the Pretty Little Wife will be getting any sleep.
  • Your life will never be the same and it’s a good thing.

If I stumble on any more wisdom, I’ll be sure to share. In the meantime, I promise I’m working on more bourbon-based content. The blind tasting of several bottom shelf bourbons alone should be good for at least three posts.


About Bourbon in Exile

Bourbon lover living in beer country
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